Antidepressants Work According to New Study

Depression is a worldwide illness that is in fact the leading cause of disability with around 350 million people affected around the globe.

Antidepressants have been used to treat depression for a long time but there has often been scrutiny over how effective they actually are.

The Lancet has recently published a study that goes against that theory stating that all 21 antidepressants work better than placebo.

Researchers conducted what is known as a meta-analysis where they comprehensively reviewed past studies.

Overall they reviewed 28,552 studies of which only 522 were rigorous enough to be considered. All in all that was 116,477 people that were taking 21 different types of antidepressants.

As well as finding that all of the pills work better than placebo, they also looked at whether or not each antidepressant was better than the other and how bad the side effects were in comparison with each other.

They found that some pills like Remeron (mirtazapine) and Lexapro (escitalopram) were indeed more tolerable and better at treating the illness that some of the others.

They also were adamant that what works for one patient will not always work for another and that all antidepressants take at least a few weeks to start working properly.

I Just Want to be Normal!

So today's been an alright day. The kids have had fun playing out in the sun all day and whilst it's been hectic (as always) I've had an ok day. On days like this it's funny because almost nothing happens, it's just another normal day, but I'm left still feeling down and fed up. I think I'm just done with life. Whilst I love my family around me I think they'd be better off without all of the grief I bring. People say "you should be happy with the fact that you've got kids and trust me I am. I'm so grateful for my children and I love them more than anybody knows but it doesn't stop me feeling this way. I wish it did. Yes it's stopped me on many occasions from ending it all but the fact that I have children doesn't stop me from feeling this way. My children are my life and all I want to do is make them proud but everyday is a struggle and for no particular reason, I just feel fed up in general. I hate the fact that I've gained a load of weight but yet I can't stop having little munchie sessions of a night time when everybody has gone to bed. I've got love handles and a podge. It's horrible. My dad is bulimic and sometimes I understand why.

I'm seriously contemplating going back to my GP to try and see a psychologist again. I think I keep hearing things. Mostly my name being whispered. It scares the shit out of me but I don't tell anyone because I'm scared I'm going to end up locked away in a mental asylum or something. I just want to be normal! My girlfriend thinks that I've got Bipolar disorder and I suppose if that is what I've got then it needs addressing and then treating but I'm scared. I am already on 60mg of Fluoxetine (anti-depressant). I don't want to change mentally. I think it's weird how you just take a pill and somehow become a totally different person. Years ago, before I was taking Fluoxetine, I was an animal. I used to lash out at everybody. I mean I still do but nowhere near as bad as I used to. I was punching holes in doors, throwing things, being really aggressive. Now I can control that most of the time. It's hard to control, but it's do-able. I'm only like this now though because of the fluoxetine and so I don't want to be took off them because I'm scared I'm going to turn into that monster again.

I believe that everybody says "I love you" and "I could never be without you" but this is on their terms. This is what I mean when I say everybody would be better off without me. They all think that they want me in their lives but really I'm just a burden on everyone. People will say that's just your depression talking, feeling sorry for yourself, like you're a burden, but I truly believe this. If I died tomorrow, people would be upset obviously, but over time they'd move on and I'd be forgotten pretty easily I think. My children wouldn't have to deal with me being the way I am. My girlfriend wouldn't have to put up with me. I'd be gone and they would be better off for it in the end. I know they would.

At one point I was on risperidone. Which if you don't know is a drug to treat schizophrenia among other things. I was only on a very low dose, 1mg. This however, knocked me out! I used to take it at 7ish on the night and by 9 o'clock I'd be out cold and then I slept like a baby all night. Woke up feeling refreshed and upbeat. The problem was in the middle of the night, nobody could wake me up. My girlfriend would try to wake me on occasion and I'd end up shouting at her and lashing out. In the end I decided to just go cold turkey off them and give them up completely and I haven't taken them since. They made me gain weight as well. I say all of this because I wanted to get to the point of why I was taking them in the first place. I had bouts of hearing many different voices. A little boy crying. An angry voice telling me I was nothing but a disappointment. I also saw a little girl. This was a hallucination. It's hard because I have to try and make myself believe that because of how real she felt. She wasn't an innocent little girl though. She was there to scare me. I was petrified. I used sit on a tiny enclosed landing/hallway at the top of my stairs, all day sometimes, with a hair dryer blowing warm air into my face. I found this relaxing and have often said this was the best time of my life and the worst. The best because it was just me and the sound of the hair dryer, all day, every day. But then when I started seeing this little girl it all changed. I was petrified I was going to see her all the time. I was sat on the landing not wanting to open my eyes for the fear I was going to see her but it was like I could feel her presence. It was horrible. I personally think I was on the verge of having paranoid schizophrenia but this was never formally diagnosed.

I said in one of my previous posts that I struggle to stick to things which is why I'm a dead beat but I'm going to try my hardest this time to stick to this. I feel it is helping me to get it all off my chest. I think what might help is a bit of interaction so if anybody who reads this has anything they want to say, maybe tell a bit of their story, shit I don't even mind if you wanna post a link to a blog you've created, it'd just be nice to speak to some people who might be going through what I'm going through. You can ask me anything as well but I'll only answer if your question is relevant.

Update!!!

So I haven't done this in a long time and I thought I would give it another shot. I'm mainly doing it for myself as a way of helping me to deal with everyday situations and a way to look back on what has happened, a journal if you will. I can't remember what I had said before about my family situation but this is how it stands right now. I have a girlfriend who I have been with since I was 16 and now I'm 29, so a while lol. She is my rock and has stuck by me through thick and thin even when she has struggled to understand what has been happening, she has still stuck with me and for that I will forever be in debt to her. We argue like cat and dog, literally all the time, but 5 minutes later we're fine again and I love her more than words could describe. Via her I have 3 gorgeous little girls. The eldest is 7 years old (going on 17), the middle 'demonic' child is 3 years old and the baby is 10 months. They are the reason I still walk the planet today. Without them I would have lost whatever hope I managed to muster in my times of desperation. They are my world and will forever be. By the way, I say 'demonic', she's not that bad really just a bit of a tearaway but loveable at the same time. I still am not working. I feel this is both a good thing and a bad thing. Obviously it's a bad thing because it's not helping me to have independence and I'm not at work every day socialising and things like that but it's a good thing because I get to spend time at home with my girls and I don't think I could cope in a work environment again. In my first job I was only 16 and I worked in a motor garage where I was tormented and I don't like to say 'bullied' because some people might say that's too strong a word and it was just banter but what they used to say to me there still affects the way I think now and because of that I think it warrants the term 'bullying'. They often called me slow and made fun of me between themselves calling me Frank Spencer, if you don't know who that is then youtube it, turning me into a nervous wreck around them and so I would make even more mistakes that they would take the mick out of and it got me thinking "maybe they're right? maybe I am stupid and slow?" and that still sticks in my head to this very day. In my second job I basically drank (alcohol) the whole time I was there and so made more enemies than friends. I think I drank a lot to cope with my social anxieties but in the end it just made people hate me anyway. Both of these experiences have severely put me off work in a bad way. I literally apply for jobs then get that worked up building up to the interview that I don't end up going and have been physically sick because of how nervous I get. I hate it and I feel as though everyone thinks I'm a bum but I'm not! I hate life! I hate how hard everything is! People say "life is what you make it". I say that's bulls**t. My daughter has had 12 (up until this point) seizures, the latest one lasting 40 minutes and was hospitalized with it for about a week. Tell me that's what I made it. I get that a lot of other people have got it a lot lot worse than her and us as parents but a lot of people have also been handed perfect lives as well and that makes me resent the world. I can't provide for my family because I'm too fucki*g scared to go to an interview! Do you know how that makes me feel as a man. It's emasculating! I am pathetic! When other kids ask my kids what their dad does for a living they struggle to come up with an answer and feel awkward. That makes me feel like shit! Worthless. I know this is a lot of ranting but this is how I feel, everyday! I don't know what's wrong with me.

Random Babbling and Weird Behaviours

Throughout my life I have many random things that I do that are really quite weird and one of the most notable was quite recent. Up until about a year ago I used to sit for hours in a really tight enclosed space whilst blowing warm air out of the hair dryer onto my face. Now I done this for two reasons: 1) I enjoyed the feeling of warm air on my face and 2) because the constant noise kind of hypnotised me and allowed me to collect my thoughts. A lot of people won't understand this and will think what a weirdo but it's just one of the weird things I've done. I also tend to have a very addictive personality. This is why I don't drink. Because if I did drink I would get addicted. I'm addicted to numerous things though and I think that might be a symptom of something else but I don't know. I just try to live my life doing things that I want to do and don't like to make anything too hard like trying to give up an addiction. The random babbling thing is kind of what I'm doing now. I tend to just ramble on about stupid things every now and again. Sometimes I'll just sit there and not say a word but then other times I can just go on and on and on. I'm speaking about these things because yesterday I spoke briefly to a very nice lady who I hope in some way I was able to help. She asked me a few questions about my battle with depression and I answered as honestly as I could. If anybody ever wants help or just wants someone to talk to or you just want to ask me anything, go for it! I'd love nothing more than helping anybody in any way I can. I know some of you probably won't like football/soccer but I do so how's about Hull drawing with Arsenal and getting a replay? I think it's spelt Jakupovic had a blinder of a game.

Deal With It!!!

The amount of times I've come across people who have no empathy whatsoever and just say "Oh just get over it" or "Everybody feels like that sometimes". Yes that's true but I feel like it all the bloody time and I have done for a very long time. People either give you way too much sympathy and make you feel stupid or they just don't care. There's no middle ground. I started this blog because I think it's important that people understand that even dads, who are meant to be big and tough, can also suffer from depression. The worse thing in the world is having your 7 year old daughter ask her mum why is daddy crying again. I'm meant to be like a superhero but I feel pathetic. I often think about whether my kids will ever have this illness and I really hope they do not and so we try our hardest to keep it away from them as much as possible. I want my girls to grow up and do everything daughters are meant to do but my eldest is growing up way too quick. She thinks she's a teenager already. They're all gorgeous girls though and I think I'm going to have my hands full with the boys. It's ok though because they're not leaving home until they're about 30 lol. My girlfriend, who by now should probably be my wife, is an amazing woman. I love her so much, not only because she's the mother of my children but because she's helped me through this difficult time and stuck by me the whole time. It's got to have been hard as well because I've been horrible sometimes. I'm pretty sure she loves me though. Well, I've told you a bit more about me and I'm enjoying this. It's like I can share my feelings with random people who I'll never meet. You reading this means a lot to me so thankyou. I will try to continue blogging for the foreseeable futurebut I'm rubbish at sticking to things and sometimes I just have no motivation at all. If you are intrigued by my blog though please share them as much as you can, tell your friends. I want to one day create a charity called Dads with Depression and I need all the exposure I can get for it to succeed. Dads have feelings too. Peace out.

Cut Myself

Why do I want to cut myself? Everyday, all I can think about is death and cutting myself. I hate it! I don't want to feel like this any more. When I cut myself I feel calm. I feel like I'm punishing myself and afterwards, although I feel guilty for doing it, I feel better. I do it quite often as well, I've scarred my arms and now everybody gives me weird looks. I hate it!!! I should love my life, I have three beautiful children who need me but I just can't help feeling like this. I think a lot of it comes from my childhood when I was bullied and abused quite often by members of my own family. I don't know but I just want to be better!

Life isn't easy

Life isn't easy. Everyone knows this but some people cope a lot better than others. I'm one of the people that really struggle to cope with even the menial things in life. I live with my girlfriend who I've been with for 13 years and our three children. One who is seven, one is 2 and the last one is nearly four months, yet I feel so lonely. I don't feel like anybody understands me, like they get what's wrong with me. I wish I could just open up and tell everyone what was happening in my head. What kind of thoughts I have but I think they'd lock me up and throw away the key. I got told before that everyone has intrusive thoughts, thoughts of doing things you shouldn't, like really bad things, but if you don't act on them then that's all they are: thoughts! I really don't think I should be having these thoughts though. My girlfriend really struggles to understand me. I wish I could just show her how I felt just for one day. I think she might show a bit more sympathy if she could feel how I feel most days. I think she really loves me but a lot of the time it just feels like she's putting up with me. I just want to be normal. Why am I not normal???